So it’s been over a year since my last post – my how things have changed…
In late March last year Nate and I found out I was pregnant! What an awesome surprise and what a journey it has been.
I breezed through my pregnancy…until the last 3 weeks. If you’ve been following my blog (or know me well) you would know I suffered pretty bad anxiety in my early twenties, which decided to pay me an unwelcomed visit come week 37 of pregnancy.
It hit me hard.
It’s been a very long time since I have been scared of my anxiety. Which led to it sticking around much longer and more intense than it has in years.
Luckily – having an AMAZING GP (who is also an amazing mate) meant I got straight into a psychologist before bub was born to have chat.
Having been through it once before and struggling to ask for help for far too long – I knew exactly what to do this time.
Asking for help also meant when I arrived at the hospital in labour, the midwives were well aware of how I was feeling and were AMAZING.
A few days before Baby Wright was due Nate took me down to North Beach with some pizza’s and surprised me with a proposal!
He replicated our very first date and I had NO idea it was coming. Yes, we had talked about and yes, I had dropped “hints” (blatantly sending him pictures of rings is hinting, yeah) throughout the pregnancy, but in all honesty I had resigned myself to the fact it would now happen after the baby.
Labour stared at 5am on 5/12/15 – pretty typical, just some mild back pain. Amanda had been staying for a week and we filled in the day with a walk and swim at the beach and lunch with Suz at the pub!
At around 5pm that afternoon things started moving and I asked Nate to start timing the contractions.
We played Trivial Pursuit to pass the time, pausing for contractions.
By 12am, several showers, massages, bouncing on the fit ball and stamping the contractions started coming in waves. Off to the hospital we went!
It took me about half an hour to walk from the car to the birthing unit as my contractions were non-stop.
We entered the birthing unit and the contractions slowed! Typical!
I was checked and I was 1cm dilated… oh dear.
The midwife was amazing, she gave us a room and luckily didn’t send us home. She let me know I would be having the baby tomorrow so try and get some rest.
True to form I couldn’t sleep!
In the morning contractions had slowed right down, however, I had moved to 2cm… ha!
The midwife suggested I either go home or get induced.
I chose to be induced – the anticipation had been killing me, particularly with my anxiety and I knew I needed this baby out!
I had read Juju Sundin’s Birth Skills book at around week 20 of pregnancy and had these ideas of how I would labour (or attempt to) naturally… as soon I knew I was getting induced I asked for the epidural.
Best. Thing. Ever.
I ended up with a fourth degree tear which needed surgery, so if I had felt that I probably would be scarred now!
Matilda Kate Wright made her entrance to the world at 3:09pm 6/12/15. On my Grandma’s birthday.
The first 12 days were BLISS!
Then Matilda started to get really unsettled.
Off to the doctors we took her.
We were told it may either be reflux or colic.
We have been trying reflux meds but in all honesty I have NO idea if they are working as everyday is such a mixed bag.
I started reading about colic… it’s classified by excessive crying (more than 3 hours, for 3 or more days a week) and peaks between 6 – 8 weeks and is generally worse in late afternoon/evening.
The most frustrating thing about colic is that NO ONE ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT CAUSES IT.
Some theories include overstimulation and abdominal pain.
Excessive crying for more than 3 hours, 3 or more days a week. LOLCATZ.
A typical day with the Ginger Whinger goes a bit like this…
Matilda will feed anywhere between 4am and 7am… sometimes if she feeds around 4am I can get her back to sleep for a couple of hours however, lately she has been starting her day around the 5am mark.
She then gets back in her swaddle (poor little thing lives in it at the moment as we are constantly trying to get her to sleep).
She gets burped, spews everywhere and then fights sleep until the next feed.
You can see how desperately she wants to sleep and sometimes she will crash out for 5-20 minutes before waking up for some unknown reason.
Sometimes, if I time it JUUUUUUUUST right I can put her on her tummy and she will sleep for an hour or 2!!
She also cannot sleep on her back for longer than 20 minutes.
Around 10-11am she is SUPER tired and this is when the first round of screaming really amps up.
The poor little thing is constantly overtired and it’s about this point in the day that’s she has had enough (and so have I).
She often gets bathed twice a day just to soothe her and see if that will help her doze off.
We also walk. A lot.
Somedays it works and she will have a snooze for an hour or so.
Other days the best we get is 20 minutes.
We bounce her on the fitball to get her really sleepy. And sometimes if I time it JUST right, I can actually transfer her to the lounge and she will sleep on my chest which means I can get a little snooze in too.
White noise is on a constant loop.
So is Nate’s version of “Waltzing Matilda” – which she LOVES. Even if she has been awake for 10 hours straight, Nate will be sitting there singing it to her and randomly she will just start smiling at him.
She loves her Daddy. Sometimes when I am holding her now, I have to get Nate to move out of her sight because she just sits there staring at him – when he moves, she will close her eyes. Even if it’s just for 5 minutes.
We have tried every over the counter colic concoction available, I have even given her a few bottles of formula which almost broke me as I LOVE breastfeeding and felt I had failed her if it was my milk making her like this. It made NO difference – except she stunk and struggled to poo!
She crashes out between 9pm-11pm and was sleeping through (with 3 hourly feeds) until 7ish am, however, as I mentioned before this has now turned into 4ish am…
We took her to the paedeatrician last week where she screamed the whole time!
This photo is taken outside the Doctor’s office, as I had to excuse myself and take her outside to wait as I couldn’t stop her screaming. We had a five minute break so Nate snapped a pic!
He basically echoed what Loz our amazing GP had said – she is healthy, this is super hard, but it will pass.
As frustrating as it is I guess we also found some relief in that we have had her checked over. She is as they say, “thriving” and my milk is doing it’s job, the poor little thing is just an unhappy and challenging baby at the moment.
This is definitely not how I imagined motherhood to be.
This is really freaking hard.
I often have thoughts about whether my anxiety had something to do with this, but I quickly shoot that thought down because that doesn’t do anyone any good.
Most days I have a tantrum with Matilda and most days we manage to both crash out at some point from pure exhaustion.
But there are some positives:
1. I have a beautiful baby girl, who on the shittest of days still manages to coo and smile at me.
2. I now fit back into my pre-pregnancy jeans (albeit with a bit of a muffin top) from all the walking and baby wearing as well as eating SUPER healthy to try and not aggravate her.
3. Nate and I are solid. Yes, I have my moments where I am a complete bitch to him and resent him for getting to escape to work. But dammit, we make a good team.
4. We have AMAZING friends who have started a meal drop for us this week. As well as a freezer full of food from Nate’s brother and girlfriend.
5. And amazing family – massive shoutout to Nate’s mum who came down and cooked and cleaned and took Matilda after almost EVERY feed for a week and sent me upstairs to catch up on sleep.
6. The #gingerwhinger hashtag is quite possibly the best hashtag ever. Nate, you’re so witty!
7. She is SUPER strong because all that time on my chest is tummy time!
8. It WILL pass. I am SLOWLY getting my head around this. That no matter what we try (and we have tried it ALL so PLEASE I know you mean well, but no more suggestions!!) TIME is what will “cure” this.
So this is life so far with the Ginger Whinger – not exactly what I had expected that’s for sure. But we are having moments of pure awesomeness mixed in with absolute moments of hell.
And you know what – I’m OK with saying I’m having a shit time… and so is Matilda and so is Nate. Because it doesn’t have to be all rainbows and sunshines and happy babies… but we are going to be OK.
And for anyone who is going through this too – let yourself acknowledge that’s it’s super shithouse. But it’s also NOT your fault and (apparently, OH GOD OR BUDDAH OR ALLAH, PLEASE LET THIS BE TRUE) it WILL pass!