The Break Up. 

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder, characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.[1] People with the disorder often come across as arrogant, callous, and envious, and tend to be exploitative in their interpersonal relationships. They can be excessively preoccupied with personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity.

I’ve always used this blog as a sort of journal and a way to express how I feel, today is no different…

I remember the first time you left, it was Anzac Day. 

I was 6. 

I don’t remember much. Just that mum told us you had gone. But I was sure you’d come back because you hadn’t even said goodbye. 

You didn’t. 

I remember moving to Mudgee and sharing a bed with Mel for months. I didn’t really understand what was going on. Just that we would see you on the weekends now. 

Every second weekend quickly turned into once a month. 

When we met your new girlfriend for the first time we acted out so bad. 

Your new girlfriend cooked dinner, Mel quickly became a vegetarian and Laura and I probably had a fight for the sake of it. 

I remember visiting you and Susan and the more time we spent with her, I really liked her. But I felt so guilty like I was betraying mum. 

These are no feelings a 6 year old should have to deal with. I didn’t realise at the time. 

You were my dad and you were my hero. 

As time went on I became more and more frustrated with you, you were only seeing us about once a month. But you’d never call until the night before you’d pick us up. 

So many times I cried wondering what I did for you to not want much to do with us. I also blamed Susan. 

You floated in and out of our lives and by the time I’d hit my 20’s I had accepted the fact that you were more of a “fun uncle” than a father. 

But I still had you up on that undeserved pedastool. 

You’d breeze in at family gatherings and gloat about your 5 beautiful daughters and what wonderful adults your 3 grown daughters had become. 

Never once did you thank mum for the amazing job she had done. You claimed it as your own. 

You were never there to pick up the pieces. Mum was there. Every. Single. Time. 

By the time I had reached my mid 20’s, and several meltdowns later I had realised you weren’t really the person I’d dreamt you up to be. 

But I still forgave you. 

When you called to say you were leaving Susan I was shocked. I was sad for the girls…

… and I had my suspicions. 

Sure enough, in no time you had a new girlfriend. 

I couldn’t believe you’d done it again. 

Surely you had learnt from us. 

No. You decided to break another 6 year olds heart. This time my little sister Lucy’s. Not to mention Clare’s. 

Of all the little girls, these two deserve stability more than most. 

I was done with you. 

Yet somehow, someway I managed to forgive you again. 

When you called to tell me you and Susan were back together after 18 months apart. I was shocked. I was worried for Susan and the girls…

… and I had my suspicions. 

Sure enough, not even 5 months later. You were at it again. 

But this time you didn’t even call. 

You decided this week. Of ALL weeks. Right after Mel lost her second baby girl too soon. 

This would be the best time to decide to leave susan and the girls AGAIN. For another woman. AGAIN. 

And today, today is Susan’s birthday. 

You sure can pick your timing. 

I never understood how people could cut family members off. They’re family, I thought. 

But now I can. 

If you were any other person I would’ve cut you off years ago. I’d never accept your behaviour towards me or the rest of our family. 

Now I have to say no more. 

Because no amount of love and forgiveness has ever shown you what acceptable behaviour is. You’ve never learnt to truly love and respect us. 

So instead I choose love and respect. 

I choose to love and respect ME. 

I choose to love and respect my 4 sisters, Melanie, Laura, Clare and Lucy. 

And I choose to love and respect Susan. 

They are my family! 

Finding our way. 

I haven’t posted in a few weeks, I guess I felt like I didn’t really have that much to write about. However, I feel like our little family is hitting our stride and that’s blog worthy, right?!

We flew to Hamilton island recently and spent an extra long weekend with my family. Matilda was an absolute dream on the flight. She slept the whole way there and the whole way back. 

This is the kid who sleeps for 30 minutes at a time during the day at home. Which makes me think her catnapping is definitely behavioural. So we’re trying a bit of sleep training this week. I’ll post an update soon! 

Nate got his cast off on Friday and while he’s still a bit sore and stiff, it’s a massive improvement compared to his cast. In fact, I even managed to get out of the house for a few hours on Saturday night with some girlfriends to watch the amazing Hot Potato Band play. 

It was so nice to take my mum hat off for a few hours and have a dance and a sing… Even if I probably averaged a text every 30minutes to Nate checking how they were going! 

Having a few hours away from my little family was just what I needed, even though I wanted them to be right there by my side dancing and singing with me!

I really do feel like Matilda and I have finally started to figure each other out (for now). If anyone had told me how hard it would be to start with – and I’m sure people did – there’s no way I would’ve known what they were talking about.

I think I just assumed from having spent so much time with my nephews that I would know what to do with my tiny human and I also didn’t realise that a something so small could scream so much and survive on next to no sleep! 

Looking back, it passed by so quickly even though I remember saying to Nate at the time “We have at least 10 more weeks of this. I don’t think we will make it”. 

Now my baby is almost sitting up, eating solids and is almost 6 months old. Time can slow down now thanks! 



A Letter to Matilda

Dear Tildy,

You’re almost 5 months baby girl. We made it! Although at times I really questioned if we would. 

When you first arrived baby girl, mummy and daddy didn’t know what to do with you. You cried and cried and when I thought surely you would fall asleep, you cried some more. 

When I look back at photos of you from that time, mummy gets upset. Even when you were sleeping you were grimacing and you never looked content. 

When we first brought you home I didn’t enjoy it one bit. I missed my old life and wondered how we would survive. 

But look at you now baby girl! You grizzle when you need something and that’s pretty much it. 

You’ve learnt to squeal with joy and giggle and smile. 

You bring mummy and daddy so much joy and we are already so proud of you. 

We love watching you learn new things and like every other parent does with their babe, we think you’re pretty cute and very clever. 

It makes mummy so happy seeing you happy and your giggle warms my heart. 

Sometimes I lose patience with you, and I’m sorry for that baby girl. Mummy is tired, she forgets that you are just a baby and are moving to the beat of your own drum.  

Never lose that sparkle Tildy. 

Chase your dreams and dream BIG! Find something you love and run with it. For me, it’s writing and exercise. People might make fun of you (trust me – I still get it!) but give them one of your big smiles and move on by, baby girl. 

Maybe you’ll follow in your daddy’s footsteps and be good at every sport you try, or maybe you won’t. That’s ok! I do hope you get his patience and kindness though!

Maybe you’ll love books and being indoors, again, maybe you won’t and that’s ok too! 

I have no idea what will light that fire but I’m excited to watch it burn bright.

I’m sorry I wished away your first 3 months baby girl, but I’m so glad we made it out the other side. 

You and your daddy are my best friends.

We love you to the moon and back!